With both hands!

Last month I spent the day at a seminar that has changed the way I think about life.  It was hosted by an amazing, inspirational woman, Sidra Jafri who shook me, and a room full of attendees, by the shoulders (not literally, but she might as well had) and told us to stop making excuses, break down those self imposed barriers and start opening our eyes and minds to the opportunities all around.

For a long time I've been really struggling to find some balance in my life.  There's been a whopping great imbalance between immersing myself in things that I love but that have become safe, vs those that I need WANT to do for myself, but require more work, and are all together more scary. It's left me feeling like I've lost a bit of myself, and the sense of detachment from achieving some of my goals have left me frustrated and sad at times.

After Sidra's workshop, I've felt more at ease with myself and my situation, and I've been more aware and capable of changing what I don't like. One thing that she positively branded onto my mind is this: when the Universe, God, life or what ever higher being/purpose you do or don't believe, in drops an opportunity at your feet you, you pick it up! DON'T waste it through fear or doubt.  Last week I had a great lesson in this.

My Wednesday last week turned from being a normal humpday to a good day and then great a day.  Why? Because I let it - simple.  I woke up feeling good. My plan was straighforward enough, to have a morning run (I've had runners block for nearly a year) and this was going set me up for a day of writing.   But before I had even left the house for that run, the Universe had already been conspiring to make this Wednesday into a goodun.

Where's your head at?

Just over a year ago, armed with our laptops, Karla and I met at a local cafe: warm, free wifi, the most amazing hot chocolate, a resident cat and laid back enough to allow you to bring your own food, perfect for two skint ladies on a mission!

We'd been talking about starting a blog for ages but this was the first time we'd met to properly bash out ideas.  In my head, and staying nicely within my comfort zone, this was all it was gonna be, pre-planning before we took the plunge. To my surprise (and alarm that I tried my best to hide from Karla), a couple of hours later we had a real life blog and our first post.  It was the push I needed to start making my things happen!

A lot has happened for both of us this year, some good, some bad, but for me, most of it has not been what I had hoped or wanted for 2013. This year was about moving forward, about seriously starting to sort my life.  I didn't expect everything to go my way, or not have any setbacks, but whatever happened I thought I would be able to handle it, pick myself up and keep moving.   It didn't happen like that.

Back in June, a few days after loosing my new job I wrote about how I was feeling.  Karla encouraged me to do this and to use it as a way of starting to look ahead,  but I felt totally rubbish at that time and didn't have much capacity for feeling positive.  Sorting myself had come to a screeching and premature halt!

I've found it hard to put into words how I was feeling, but I was, and sometimes still am, struggling with the feelings of stress and depression. I was reluctant for long while to use the D word. It's not something I thought I would ever experience personally.
Why? Why is it difficult to admit?   I know there's no shame in it, I know most people experience it as some point in their lives.
I lived with someone with depression. I saw how, for 18 months a close relative of mine struggled to get out of bed, stopped taking basic care of themselves and was unable to do the simpliest things. They became a shadow of the person they previously were, and gave up on the possibility of seeing any improvement in their life. Although this year I have felt as low as I have ever done before, I was never as a bad as that, was I?