When You Gonna... Start Being More Assertive

As a woman who looks a) MUCH younger than I am and b) like perhaps a bit of a soft touch, I've grown accustomed to putting up with things I may not necessarily enjoy. For example, last week while out catching up with an old friend, I was happened upon by an old Jamaican man who took me by the hand and danced with me because I looked like a 'nice girl'.  Despite the fact that I didn't know him, he smelled like a rabbit hutch that rabbits had pooped in and his beard appeared to contain remnants of food, I indulged him and danced for what I considered a sufficient period of time before faking a toilet break.

Another time, I made the mistake of accidentally making eye contact with a man while boarding a train from London to Manchester. Naturally, he came and sat next to me so he could quiz me about my life, my 'Jamaicanness' and to demand that we be friends when we arrive in Manchester even though I told him I had a (made up) boyfriend. Eventually, around Salford, I managed to pretend to go to sleep and popped some headphones in for a bit of peace and quiet.

On a holiday in Barcelona, I saw someone playing the guitar on the street wearing a leopard print dress. Naturally when he looked at me, I smiled but went back to eating my meal. He came over to play for me. Despite my not having any money to give him/ignoring him and trying to talk with my friend, this happened:

This is a typical example of what I'm talking about.

But why didn't you say no or ask them to leave you alone? I hear you ask. Because friends, I, like many other women, have learned to fear The Switch. The Switch is what happens when an overfriendly stranger becomes a threatening maniac at the drop of a hat.

Catalysts for The Switch tend to be the rejection of:

• flyers
• attempts at courtship (like the grabbing of a hand or the public whistle/shout out)
• offers of friendship
• requests for money.

The Switch can and usually does happen when you least expect it. You've had a long day and don't have the energy to entertain craziness and then BAM! Crazy finds you. You're standing at a bus stop, get your phone out and just about catch a man smiling in your direction. When you don't smile back, he shouts at you, calls you 'evil' and tells everyone on the bus that you're 'slut who means nothing' (true story.) You're on the bus to your house when a boy wearing a hood in the summertime announces, from the back of the bus, that "You're not that hot anyway AND you sound posh" if you don't give him your phone number.

Now I know this may sound trivial, but it plagues me as I plod through life. Sometimes, I just want to read my book or stare out of the window, or not have to hold hands with a stranger. But the polite, people pleasing 80% of me just screws me over. The side of me that doesn't want any trouble, doesn't want to have to deal with confrontation or anything resembling an unpleasant situation.

I have pleasant memories of the one time I avoided The Switch entirely by anticipating an incoming Crazy and before he said anything I scowled at him and said "I am NOT in the mood." He stopped dead in his tracks and I marched on, victorious.

Maybe I just need to grow a pair and get over it, but it's hard y'know?

Excuses, excuses...


Ok. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to just say "No. Not today guys. I don't care if you don't think I'm a nice person anymore - I have enough people who I've tricked into thinking I'm nice around me to care about what you think. I don't even know you and your beard smells of rabbits. Leave me be sir, leave me be."

I'll let you know how that works out...



Karla