My Mandala

                               In 2014 a good friend of mine O, introduced me to what a Mandala was.  She, as it happens, had been told by the one and only Miss Karla-Jayne Thomas, co-founder and co-writer of this blog. Small world huh! The simplest way that I can describe a mandala is that it's an image that's used in different ways but essentially it's a representation of life. Sounds pretty lofty, check the Mandala Project's website HERE for a more enlightened description than mine.

Sand Mandala from the Southbank Centre's Alchemy Festival 2015

Karla had come across the idea of creating her own mandala that she could use to map her intentions for the coming year.  How it worked: she drew herself in the centre with her intended goals shooting off her, and after laying it out on paper she spent time looking for images that she felt represented those intentions.  Karla used her mandala as a daily reminder of her goals.  She would look at in the morning, at night, whenever she needed to visual the things she was aiming for, and it worked! Not always in ways that she had expected, but it worked.  O told me that 2 of Karla's goals had been to end up in New York and to cycle more, so later that year when she found herself cycling through New York with the future Mr Karla on an impromptu bike ride, looking back it didn't seem so serendipitous.

I'm not a life planner.  I tend to float from one thing to another without any hard goals, which is not as fun and spontaneous as it sounds. I want better for myself and not to continue coasting along at life, so in 2014 I followed Karla's lead and drew my own mandala.  It didn't have pictures but I set out all the intentions that I wanted for the year, which was good enough for me.  And whaddya know, it kinda worked, at least partially.  Some of things I thought would be the biggest challenge for me, I actually achieved.  Now I'll be honest, I didn't focus on my Mandala it as much as I could have, or worked on my goals as much as I should have, but nevertheless I still achieved some of the things I'd written down.  

My 2014 Mandala

How did I do?  Well in 2014 I joined a professional Dance group, BOOM! I became the Queen of my Samba school, WIN! I went to Goa for a friends wedding, AWESOME!  I joined a gym, YAAS! Some of my goals weren't realised.  The goals centred on my overall confidence and establishing myself as a writer/journalist are still a work in progress. But I was happy with what I achieved and it made me realise that with more effort I could achieve bigger and better.

Last year I didn't have a mandala and 2015 turned out to be a tough year.  My relationship ended.  I'd been with my boyfriend for a while, but things weren't as they should have been and he decided he didn't want to continue.  I did and still do love him, so coming to terms with not having him in my life anymore has been difficult and I'm still finding it hard.  I was working in a job that I grew to hate and it was making me very unhappy and stressed.  In the summer my granddad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told he had few months to live. I live with my grandparents and helping to care for my granddad, watching him deteriorate and dealing with the realisation that he would not be with us much longer was heavy.  He died at the end of November.

Mandala under construction: another Sand Mandala from the Southbank Centre's Alchemy Festival 2015

There were times last year when I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to be.  I felt numb, powerless, alone, sad, anxious and angry.  I was struggling with lots of aspects of my life, and it felt as though the significant things that I thought I could rely or defined myself by were disappearing because of my own inadequacies.  It was very negative space that made me feel very insecure about myself, from my appearance to my ability to achieve anything.

My shitty job had to go!  The week after I quit I went on a long samba weekend with my Samba school and it was exactly the medicine I needed. After that I took a break to look after my grandparents and I surround myself with people and things that made me feel better.  It helped a lot but it didn't stop the low moments when I didn't have a clue what direction to go in, and putting one foot in front of the other felt like the hardest task.  It was only towards the end of last 2015 that I started to feel better about myself.  

I have always fought with feelings of inadequacy and it's the main reason why I'm rubbish at looking after my own needs or pushing myself.  But, if I'm going to tackle my demons and make lasting changes I have to dig deep and start to invest in myself properly, and do so a lot less superficially than I've done in the past.

Gorgeous Mandala by Lisa Chang, check out her Instagram

I'm tired of being too scared to even dare to ask myself what I want, let alone believe that I can achieve it.  2015 went by Mandala-less, but I'm not about to let that happen for another year. If you read my New List post a few years ago, you'll know I'm not a fan of making New Year's resolutions.   But even I can't deny the sense of renewal that happens going into a new year!  So, in preparation for the brand new year I put together a my mandala 2016. It's more ambitious than 2014's.  Some of things on it frighten (me in a good way though) because they will require me to invest in myself more than I have ever done before.

I'm not going to share my Mandala.  For now, its for my eyes only to focus on and be responsible for attracting any of the help and opportunities I need to fulfill my dreams for this year.  I promise though to reveal it by the end of this year and you can help judge how well I've done. I'm excited, daunted, scared! But you know what, change is never born out of being comfortable it is!

Wish me luck!

Kanika xx

Yeah, That's What She Said!

Hello!

So much has happened in 2015 I'm not sure quite where to begin, but here are the basics.
- I have moved to New York to pursue my love of comedy (and stability with the man of my dreams).

- I have begun taking classes in comedy; acting sketch writing etc, and have thus met a wonderful group of creative people who I am thankful for (I'm looking at you, Handsome Bag of Thumbs).

- I got involved with a wonderful feminist network thanks to my dear friend Mensen and have taken my place as a core organiser for a feminist event called Yeah, That's What She Said.

Update...

So, just over two years ago, I wrote a post entitled "When You Gonna Find a Nice Man and Settle Down?"  Well, it turns out that I agreed to do just that last Wednesday when I responded to this very eloquently delivered question:

Mural by Joel Bergner in London's Leake Street Tunnel

Readers, I am betrothed!

Boxed out!

The last time I got braid extensions, I cried!

I was 18, about to go to Uni, and I wanted a hairstyle I could manage without the help of my Gran. So why the tears? Well, (and I still feel pathetic admitting it, but) it was because my Mum and Granma decided to go Bad Cop/Bad Cop on me and ridicule my choice of hairstyle!

They made it very clear that no self-respecting, style-conscious young woman would be seen dead in the outdated, childish style of braids I wanted.  You see I wanted single, not too thick, box braids à la Brandy back in day. Unfortunately my mum and gran insisted on canerow braids à la Alicia Keys. Nothing wrong with that style but NOT want I wanted.  According to them my hair was way too thick for box braids, I have to add too much synthetic hair to my own and I'd end up looking stupid. Just the kinda encouragement you need for when you're about to move away from home!  The humiliation and frustration of supposedly being an adult and not being allowed a say on how I looked broke me that day, hence the waterworks.

                    

                        Brandy circa sometime in the 1990's -
                        What I wanted, minus the burnt ends   

 The style I was strong armed into getting -
Alicia Keys.

 

I hated the braids. They were thick, heavy and I couldn't style them the way I wanted to.  Not surprisingly they only lasted 2 weeks before I took them out and swore never to go there again!


Fast forward 11 years and....I finally went back there, a month ago. As the Queen of my Samba School (EXCITING HUH!! But more about that in a later post) I was having the most amazingly, beautiful costume made for me for Notting Hill Carnival.  The designer wanted big, long hair to go with his eye popping creation!  Hmmmm, up cropped dilemma one. If you've read my Phony or not to phony post, you'll know I prefer not wear hair pieces when I dance, and as you're now fully aware, the last time I had any hair like appendages attached to my own, the experience is not littered with fond memories.  What, to, do?

Do as you're told and OBEY, that's what!

You only get to be the Queen of my Samba school once and Notting Hill is our biggest event, so you goes hard, or you damn well goes home! Besides, I fancied a change, and bum length box braids were one hell of a change!

When You Gonna Get Yourself a Job?

While I'm in the UK, planning my next leg of world domination, I'm looking for regular work. A way to work smart, not hard. A way to pay the bills without breaking my back as I usually do.

My boyfriend, who is American, obviously recommends me to look at Craigslist. "There are a number of unusual creative jobs on there! I'm sure you'd find something interesting" he says.

So on I go...and this is what I find:

Well. This one was...interesting, just as I was expecting. I'm not entirely sure what constitutes a "crafty female" but I'm assuming that it's just your run of the mill lady person who doesn't mind making some light basic labour tasks. Naturally. Although I couldn't help but wonder whether one might have to undergo specific tests to monitor improvement before aforementioned "more complicated tasks" would be handed on. So many questions but defo something to follow up on.



Occasionally, on laundry day, I have been known to rebel against propriety and go commando. Never have I ever considered turning it into cash. Until now. However, in this time of iPhones and Skype, I'm not entirely sure why I would need to go out on laundry day, in public, in my old work team building T shirt and slippers to prove to a stranger that yes, all my pants are in the wash. But on closer inspection, I realised that although I am woman, I am also over 25 so don't have to worry about this mess anyway.

Hang on. One minute I'm not meant to be wearing knickers and the next I've not only got to wear them, but I've got to go and spend tens of pounds on brand names, just so this chancer can buy them off me? No thanks mate. I wonder if these two know each other though and have a kind of tag-team situation going on? Ahhh the questions...

 

I would like to meet the author of this post, just to find out for myself what his issues with his father were. Also, as this was categorised under "non-profit organisation", I love to discover exactly which NGO to google to get the link to the video because it sounds fantastical.


Having looked at these and really, really having a think about them, I asked my friends if they knew of any jobs going and found a receptionist placement through my friend's dad.  Thank you internet, but I think I'll stick to more old fashioned job acquiring techniques for the moment.






Karla
x

Black Girls Rock!

My name is Karla, and I am a Black Girl who Rocks.

This is how all of the honourees at BET's annual Black Girls Rock awards ceremony end their acceptance speeches. I know this because on a muggy Sunday September afternoon, I turned the channel over to Sky's BET during the ad break from a Friends episode, to watch a re-run from last year's awards show and an hour later I'm still watching, completely in love and inspired by all of these women.
From the recipients of the M.A.D Girls awards (Making A Difference) - motivated young women who take action to inspire their communities by doing things like creating Green superheroes and touring schools and leading workshops promoting the ethical agenda from age 7 (Brooklyn Wright), to Mary Pat Hector the 17 year old calling for teen activism to see that black youth in her community don't slip through the net - to Activism awards for Chicago based "Interrupter" Ameena Matthews, as well as living legends Queen Latifah and Patti Labelle.

The winner who inspired me to write this post, was the recipient of the Shot-Caller Award, Mara Brock-Akil, the producer and writer of Black led shows Girlfriends aka the "black Sex And The City" and new TV show Being Mary Jane starring Gabrielle Union from Bring It On fame and the first Black romantic interest in Friends). I don't know how many of you know this, but it is a dream to write a TV comedy series. I spent this last summer in the US where I am in the process of moving to researching and nest searching so I can chase this writing dream, starting with a course at the UCB in New York. I usually cite my inspirations as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler - incredible comedic writing talents who started out in improv like me, but that is because I feel a glaring absence of Black women to look up to, women who might be able to fulfill a similar role. Mara Brock-Akil's acceptance speech echoed my sentiments.

"Everywhere we turn, we see our beauty reflected. Unless you're Black. And a girl...And when there is an image that resembles us, oftentimes on closer inspection, it's not us..."

For as long as I can remember, I have been on a search for Black female comedians who speak the same language as me. A writer and comedian who from London, from a Jamaican family, who went to a private school (thank you John Whitgift Foundation and your bursars for funding my brain) and so doesn't subscribe to many of the stereotypes that mainstream media likes to perpetuate.

As I mentioned in this post, Youtube has been a great source of alternative voices, but I think there needs to be MOAR!!

And that, my friends, is my lifetime's mission. To be the Black Tina Fey. To be a new Hannah Pool aka the only English winner of a Black Girls Rock Award. To be the person I want to see in the world.

Wish me luck!

Lots of love,
Karla x

I found out what the hell Spike Lee was doing at the Vila Isabel quadra in Rio...!!

So as you'll all know from reading my posts, my friend Spike Lee showed up a couple of times to samba rehearsals at the samba school I paraded with, Vila Isabel.

Me and my mate Spike, hanging out

Now I know why...

He was scouting for his latest "joint", which turns out to be a film for something calling itself 'Pepsi Beats of the Beautiful Game'. The song, entitled "The Game" is sung by Miss Kelly Rowland, and video has a story of its own.

The video tells a fictional tale of a young football fanatic living in Vidigal (a favela in Rio's South Zone). "Pixote's Game"  stars my fellow passista, Pedro, as a 'John' (or a pimp, not quite sure...) as well as the mestre and other members of the bateria of Vila Isabel.

Watch it in all its glory below.

beijos,

Karla x

Reflections of a "Gringa Passista"

Hi gang.


I started writing this to you a right after the PARADE OF MY LIFETIME. But then life got in the way, Rio de Janeiro turned CRAZY in anticipation of the World Cup, and so it's only now that I'm sharing this with you. On my last night in Rio*.

On THE NIGHT! photo courtesy of Emily Ainsworth

Arriving here back in October, my mission was clear - to live the life of a Passista (samba dancer). If I didn't get in to parade with a samba school from the Grupo Especial (Special Group), I would at least go to their rehearsals and try to improve to increase my chances of one day being accepted. My ambitions were lofty, but the stars aligned and Unidos da Vila Isabel (my first choice) accepted me, and I started to live and love it. In fact, it's a Saturday night, two and a half months have passed, and I'm still getting my head around the fact that I don't need to start gathering my Show Things together for another night of sambão at the Vila Isabel quadra.

I know what you all want to know: how was the parade? How was it? You started learning samba when you were 19 and 10 years later you're parading with a samba school in the SPECIAL GROUP in Rio de Janeiro's SAMBADROME! Was it amazing? Was it? WAS IT???


In a word... No.

But, would I do it all over again?
In a freakin heartbeat.

Wait, wut?