My Mandala

                               In 2014 a good friend of mine O, introduced me to what a Mandala was.  She, as it happens, had been told by the one and only Miss Karla-Jayne Thomas, co-founder and co-writer of this blog. Small world huh! The simplest way that I can describe a mandala is that it's an image that's used in different ways but essentially it's a representation of life. Sounds pretty lofty, check the Mandala Project's website HERE for a more enlightened description than mine.

Sand Mandala from the Southbank Centre's Alchemy Festival 2015

Karla had come across the idea of creating her own mandala that she could use to map her intentions for the coming year.  How it worked: she drew herself in the centre with her intended goals shooting off her, and after laying it out on paper she spent time looking for images that she felt represented those intentions.  Karla used her mandala as a daily reminder of her goals.  She would look at in the morning, at night, whenever she needed to visual the things she was aiming for, and it worked! Not always in ways that she had expected, but it worked.  O told me that 2 of Karla's goals had been to end up in New York and to cycle more, so later that year when she found herself cycling through New York with the future Mr Karla on an impromptu bike ride, looking back it didn't seem so serendipitous.

I'm not a life planner.  I tend to float from one thing to another without any hard goals, which is not as fun and spontaneous as it sounds. I want better for myself and not to continue coasting along at life, so in 2014 I followed Karla's lead and drew my own mandala.  It didn't have pictures but I set out all the intentions that I wanted for the year, which was good enough for me.  And whaddya know, it kinda worked, at least partially.  Some of things I thought would be the biggest challenge for me, I actually achieved.  Now I'll be honest, I didn't focus on my Mandala it as much as I could have, or worked on my goals as much as I should have, but nevertheless I still achieved some of the things I'd written down.  

My 2014 Mandala

How did I do?  Well in 2014 I joined a professional Dance group, BOOM! I became the Queen of my Samba school, WIN! I went to Goa for a friends wedding, AWESOME!  I joined a gym, YAAS! Some of my goals weren't realised.  The goals centred on my overall confidence and establishing myself as a writer/journalist are still a work in progress. But I was happy with what I achieved and it made me realise that with more effort I could achieve bigger and better.

Last year I didn't have a mandala and 2015 turned out to be a tough year.  My relationship ended.  I'd been with my boyfriend for a while, but things weren't as they should have been and he decided he didn't want to continue.  I did and still do love him, so coming to terms with not having him in my life anymore has been difficult and I'm still finding it hard.  I was working in a job that I grew to hate and it was making me very unhappy and stressed.  In the summer my granddad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told he had few months to live. I live with my grandparents and helping to care for my granddad, watching him deteriorate and dealing with the realisation that he would not be with us much longer was heavy.  He died at the end of November.

Mandala under construction: another Sand Mandala from the Southbank Centre's Alchemy Festival 2015

There were times last year when I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to be.  I felt numb, powerless, alone, sad, anxious and angry.  I was struggling with lots of aspects of my life, and it felt as though the significant things that I thought I could rely or defined myself by were disappearing because of my own inadequacies.  It was very negative space that made me feel very insecure about myself, from my appearance to my ability to achieve anything.

My shitty job had to go!  The week after I quit I went on a long samba weekend with my Samba school and it was exactly the medicine I needed. After that I took a break to look after my grandparents and I surround myself with people and things that made me feel better.  It helped a lot but it didn't stop the low moments when I didn't have a clue what direction to go in, and putting one foot in front of the other felt like the hardest task.  It was only towards the end of last 2015 that I started to feel better about myself.  

I have always fought with feelings of inadequacy and it's the main reason why I'm rubbish at looking after my own needs or pushing myself.  But, if I'm going to tackle my demons and make lasting changes I have to dig deep and start to invest in myself properly, and do so a lot less superficially than I've done in the past.

Gorgeous Mandala by Lisa Chang, check out her Instagram

I'm tired of being too scared to even dare to ask myself what I want, let alone believe that I can achieve it.  2015 went by Mandala-less, but I'm not about to let that happen for another year. If you read my New List post a few years ago, you'll know I'm not a fan of making New Year's resolutions.   But even I can't deny the sense of renewal that happens going into a new year!  So, in preparation for the brand new year I put together a my mandala 2016. It's more ambitious than 2014's.  Some of things on it frighten (me in a good way though) because they will require me to invest in myself more than I have ever done before.

I'm not going to share my Mandala.  For now, its for my eyes only to focus on and be responsible for attracting any of the help and opportunities I need to fulfill my dreams for this year.  I promise though to reveal it by the end of this year and you can help judge how well I've done. I'm excited, daunted, scared! But you know what, change is never born out of being comfortable it is!

Wish me luck!

Kanika xx